Relationship Confusion
Ask FreeloveMD | January 23, 2006
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My best friend and roommate is my dream girl. We started “dating” a few months ago and everything has been beyond great – we’ve even exchanged “I Love You’s.” Thanks to her last boyfriend, she has commitment fears and trust issues, so she wants to “take a couple steps back.” I have never done anything to raise doubts and I never would do anything to hurt her. She says that there’s no one else, that she still loves me, and that when we re-start dating, that it will be something serious (she tells me that I “have to marry her” and that she’s never been happier than when she is with me). We still act sort of like we’re together, which makes me even more confused. It’s like we’re not dating, but there’s still this understanding that we’re not going to see anyone else and the physical aspects are still there too. I have never cared about anyone as much as I care about her, so this is very difficult for me. I know she needs a little time, but I’m worried about losing her in the process. What do I do? Will she ever be able to trust me like she should? If we both have never been happier, what is there to worry about, right? I’m in a bind, please help…
Good question. You are right, if you “both have never been happier”, then there is nothing to worry about. The thing that needs to be crystal clear is the “seeing other people” part. It must be understood you both are not going to see anyone else, period. So have this discussion with her one more time so it is very clear and out in the open.
She needs time to get over trust issues. So give her that time. You live together so you are seeing her everyday anyway. So give her a couple months to let go of her issues and just be her friend. Your friendship will be the most important part of your relationship if you stay together for the long run anyway.
If this issue does not go away, and becomes something she keeps dragging on and on for a long time it might be best to seek counseling. It is OK for a couple of months for you to be patient and understanding but you cannot sit and wait on the fence forever.
Give her a couple months and let her know you will be there as her friend. If this time passes and it seems like more of the same you need to have a talk with her and let her know it isn’t fair for you to be stuck waiting and feeling uncertain. You can’t go on living like that or you will go crazy.