Ask FreeloveMD | September 13, 2008
My wife left me without warning three days ago. Just a week ago she was telling me how much she loved me and she couldn’t imagine life without me. The the other day she came home from work and said our life together was over. I am devastated. We have been married 17 years and have a daughter. She won’t talk to me or give me a specific reason for the separation other than its time to move on. I’ve been a stay home dad for 8 years now per our mutual agreement so we could raise our daughter. I’m 41 and do not know where to turn. I don’t think I will survive this. I love her so much and I am so lost. I don’t have a career, I feel as if I have nothing. I don’t even have my sanity anymore. I told her through email how much I loved her but she just said to move on. I think she’s already got court papers. What do I do? I can’t even think straight with this pain.
This is obviously a serious blow, especially coming without warning. She must have been harboring this move in spite of giving the appearance that everything was ok. Forget about the emails you need to talk to her face to face. After 17 years of marriage she owes you at least that. Unless you can get to the root of the issue you can’t find a solution if there is one, or truly move on. If you can get to the discussion stage there may be areas that you can correct or change to satisfy her. If you could get her to go to counseling it might also be a bridge to getting back together. Many people do have a mid-life crisis that makes it appear that drastic measures are necessary. Drastic measures are not always the solution. Hopefully you can pin point the issues and correct them within the framework of your marriage. This may not be easy or immediate so you need to be prepared to keep working on it. Good luck.
This question was answered by Joe, a love expert and FreeloveMD contributor.
Chiluwa Johnson says:
September 30, 2008 at 6:33 am
Am sorry see u passing through dis pains.u since 2 be serious about ur wife living u but want 2 tell u is not d end of d world. just get a work and take care of ur daughter, move on with ur life.i mean when she see u doing well she will like 2 come back.i know she still love u,take care moveon with ur life.
Tim says:
November 5, 2008 at 7:07 am
The same thing just happened to me. My wife of 7+ years told me she was not happy and left. There is no other guy. She said that she still loves me but will not give me a chance, she only wants a divorce. All I can say if if you find a way to make things better please tell me too.
dan says:
December 4, 2008 at 11:43 am
Don’t care what she says there either is another guy or there was one and she feels guilty about what she did. You’ve got to decide whether you want to be with a person who could come to you after seventeen years of marriage and tell you out of the blue that it’s over. I know that you feel badly and I did too when my ex came to me and told me that she wanted to be with a friend of mine even though she claimed that nothing had happened between them. There is something wrong with your wife-not you. Why would you tolerate that kind of behaviour? You might find happiness elsewhere.
Justin says:
February 4, 2009 at 2:01 am
I feel for you. My wife left me for a friend of mine after a little over a year of being married. My wife told me she never loved me and only married me to get out of her parents house. She refused to try to work it out and even laughed in my face when I was crying about it. I didn’t think that I would ever move on but I have found that it gets better with time. I had to realize that there was something wrong with her and not me. I will pray for everyone involved.
Jeff says:
April 3, 2009 at 10:56 pm
My wife just left me and my two girls about two months ago. We have been married for 17 years, and together for 20. She left for another man, and is living with him. She has told me numerous times that she doesnt know what she wants. She has also told me that she hopes I am around in 6 or 8 months because she will need help. I am at a total loss, she refuses help and has no answers for my questions. I hate this feeling and want to move on but can’t. I have filed on her and she says that is not what she wants. I know that she will break down before court in another month. I really need help in what to do with her if she comes back to me. I really love her and would want nothing but for her to come back.
roel_stinger says:
April 18, 2009 at 4:30 am
that’s too painful and i can feel that.. right now, im feeling of bad feeling coz i got caught my wife cheating on me that she has a relation with a friend of mine.. i sent her home for i cant take the feeling that my wife cheated on me.. and i guess i dont trust her anymore… after 3 days, my wife crying and wants to come back for she miss her lives maybe especially to our two children. i forgive her but i cant remove the feelings that she did to me.. now that she’s with me, everytime i see in her face thinking very far, not talking and just like like blank in her mind, i feel hurt that maybe she’s still thinking to the man that she fell in loved.. im still hurted… looks like i am the one who can’t moved on.. i guess it takes more time to think about it…
Cody says:
April 18, 2009 at 9:51 pm
I would have to believe that your wife was and maybe is having an affair people just dont leave a marriage without a serious reason I would investigate that possibility the truth is really what you need right now only then can you stop worrying and start to cope with the situation unanswered questions are what drive us crazy in these situations my wife cheated on me 11 months in our marriage then moved out on me without warning and now is with the guy she cheated on me with if it wasnt for my spy work to find the truth I could have never known what to do when I found the truth I had no choice but to move on and cope with reality that she was gone and gone forever and I needed to move on with my life no matter what it took do some spying or higher an detective find out what is going on (I even hacked my wifes E-mail found out alot there basiclly caught her in the act)good luck and be strong
canguy2009 says:
April 25, 2009 at 1:48 pm
Sometimes we make horrible mistakes. Sometimes its not because there are no feelings anymore. They are just obstacles that were made that have to be overlooked and erased in order for the feelings to be rekindled 100%. Just because someone goes to someone else through any type of affair, doesnt mean that is meant to be and feelings are no longer with the ex. If there were lost feelings and emotions and we didnt want to heal a relationship, and all should just cowardly move on, we all would not be writing in these forums if either parties had no doubts if they should go back. Moving on and not working at it is not always the answer either….just an opinion from experience….
roel_stinger says:
May 5, 2009 at 10:23 pm
Im still in the middle of war and i guess near the end.. i’ve talk to my wife, coz i took her back in the house coz our children searching for their mother where she is.. after 1 week not coming back in our house, i thought it will be ok. she’s unhappy i guess.. so i ask her what’s bugging her up and she said… she still love the boy. it was really really hurting me, i wish i could die that time. im still thinking of my children. i don’t know if im going to rescue our relationship or i just let her go… all im thinkin right now is let her go… i feel so pain in my heart coz i really really loved her that much but things going worst and worst and pain increase. i guess id rather be not to have my wife anymore..
Elian says:
June 9, 2009 at 11:01 pm
I know it’s hard because I have been in an identical situation myself. But once a woman does what your wife did, I would not take her back under any circumstances. And I did not take mine back either. I divorced her and quickly. There are an increasing number of women out here these days who behave this way, especially American women. As someone else already said, there’s something wrong with your wife not you. Once I got over the pain of what mine did to me, I said screw her and good riddance and haven’t looked back.
JAMES says:
July 12, 2009 at 12:44 pm
THERES NOTHING LIKE THIS KIND OF PAIN,MY WIFE LEFT ME JUNE 22 2009 WE HAD GONE TO MY BOYS APARTMENT TO PICK HIM UP AND MY WIFE TOLD ME TO GO GET MY SON UP AND SHE WAS GOING TO RUN SOME SCRIPTS UP TO THE WALMART AND WOULD BE RIGHT BACK FOR US,SHE NEVER RETURNED WE WERE NOT FIGHTING EVERYTHING SEEMED FINE.MY ONLY CLUE WAS IN HER DAUGHTERS ROOM IT SAID GRACE MAY 19 GOING HOME JUNE 20 TO MASS THEY WERE FROM MASSATUCHETTS,THIS HURTS EVEN MORE BECAUSE SHE WILL NOT MAKE CONTACT WITH ME ON THE COMPUTER OR ANYTHING ELES GOD KNOWS I HAVE TRIED SENDING E-MAILS INSTANT MESSAGES ECT. IF I ONLY KNEW WHAT I DID, MY FRIENDS SAY IT WASNT ME IT WAS HER THAT SHES THE ONE WHO IS SCREWED UP THAT I DID NOTHING WRONG, I LOVE KIMBERLY LOUISE BRANNEN VERY MUCH I DONT WHAT ELSE TO DO FOR SHE IS PROBABLY NOT COMING BACK I WILL KEEP YOU IN MY PRAYERS I KNOW YOUR PAIN BUDDY.
Rog says:
October 1, 2009 at 5:11 pm
My wife of 44 years left me also. She just became someone who hated me and men in general.
The pain is real, as I well know. But you need never forget that when someone hurts you, in some way, and you return to a relationship with them you leave yourself open to the pain recurring. Is it worth it? Could you ever trust her not to do the same to you again?
Leon says:
October 21, 2009 at 1:22 am
My wife of 5 years left me.The worst thing was that even though I sensed something was wrong 6 months ago she just denied everything.She moved out 5 months ago saying she needed space to sort her mind out.I begged her not to string me along and repeatedley asked her to be honest with me and let me go to get on with my life.I gave her so many opportunities to call off our relationship but she just kept telling me how much she loved me and just to give her a little more time to sort herself out.Last week her mom tells me that my ex had told everyone in her home town that we were through 6 months ago.She flew home two weeks ago and slept with a guy.I found out and confronted her and she said she got emotional and “it just happened”!For the past few months I believed her when she said we were okay and things would get better.I was not allowed to see her naked or touch her or even kiss her.She said she wanted to start from the begining with dating,movies etc and take it one step at a time.5 days home and she sleeps with a guy.
I am devastated and so humiliated for believing her.Have since found out that she also told everyone else that we were through 6 months ago.Why was I the last to know and why did she not end it when I asked her to? Why did she lie to me about loving me when I asked her to let me go so I could move on?
So many questions and will probably never have the answers.Yesterday she texed me asking if we could be friends.No way!
Good luck to all you guys.Although I cant see it now I do believe the hurt will end and we will all be able to move on with our lives.
Ray says:
January 18, 2010 at 9:29 pm
Sounds like this is a pretty common occurence. My wife just left me recently unexpectedly. She said she just didn’t want to be married to me anymore.
It’s amazing that a woman can tell you she loves you one day and divorce you the next. I can relate to all the postings. It hurts but I know I’ll get through it in time.
Evangiline says:
February 8, 2010 at 11:26 pm
Hi,
Can a woman chime in? My husband of l0 years left me one night to get his head on straight because he had lied about money and losing his business. Two days turned into almost a year and he kept stringing me along that he had a breakdown (which he had – his doctor called the house) but I found out he let a woman buy a trip for him to a far away place a few months after he left. She was likely the reason he left. BTW: some of my male friends have seen her and said she is paper bag territory. That makes it hurt worse; because I kept myself up for him. He cheated, he lied. He broke me into pieces. I was there for him for all his health ailments (seizure disorder)and he left me when I had broken my leg and was sick, very sick and working two jobs. He left me with no way to even plough out my road to get to work. How does someone man or woman do this to the person they’ve made vows with and kissed and loved and told them they were soul mates right up until the day they leave. He told me it was crazy selfish, selfdestruction and he will regret it until he dies. Who cares? Then, make it right. Life is crazy, Yes?
Take care and I’m so sorry for all your pain.
Brad says:
March 20, 2010 at 11:37 pm
My wife of 16 years left me right out of the blue for another man. I thought we had a great marriage Many of our friends later told me they thought we had the perfect marriage and were so envious of us. She left me and our two teenaged sons for a supposed mult-millionaire real estate investor. Three years later her boyfriend left her after he lost everything in the real estate market collapse. He left her broke and deep in debt. She then moved a thousand miles away to live with her mother. Six months later she was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer. She now tells me she loves me and would like to come back. I still love her despite all she did to me and our sons. I don’t know how much time she has left and think it would be good if she reconcilled with our sons. But I’m worried about my own heart and don’t know how much more I can take.
Shane Menendez says:
April 13, 2010 at 5:00 pm
I make no claims on being a perfect husband or father but I was completely surprised when my wife told me was no longer in love with me and said that she didn’t want to patch things up. Two weeks later my cell phone bill came and I figured out that she’d been calling and texting her ex-boyfriend before she met me. She claims there is nothing going on but the actions are speaking louder than the words. I know I am making a mistake by asking her to stay for the sake of my son who is on the Autism spectrum. A change like this would surely hinder his development. My head says “end it, move on, life is not over” my heart says “give it time. She’ll come around”.
You should definitely get a lawyer and then go for both child and spousal support. Use your resources to find and begin on the path to a rewarding career (it is never too late). Move on and perhaps one day you’ll find a more worthy person to share your life. Now if I could only follow my own advice. Good Luck!
kiel says:
April 22, 2010 at 3:58 pm
wow my husband of 19 years and father of our two young children called me on the phone April 9th to say he has a new girlfriend and didnt want me anymore. everything was great last month calling me 3 times a day to tell me he loved me we spend alot of time together he always seemed happy to be with us. Then the call. 3 days later he picked up our 8 and 10 year old to visit drove to his girlfriends house picked her up without saying a word to the kids they came home so confused crying said he left our family for her and her kids the woman knew we were togehter he was a family man, she is trying to buy my daughter with toys every time she seems her. 3 broken hearts and he if off happy in a new life
Stephen says:
April 25, 2010 at 11:41 am
My wife left me after 4 years.No warning just left.She left a note talking about things that happened 2 years prior.Best way to get over it.Go to Church.Watch the Movie Sideways a few times.And repeat these words to yourself everytime you think of her.I’m no longer in control of her life she is free.Get over it move on go to work join a gym keep active.Don’t drink or take drugs deal with it.Women can’t live with them can’t live without them.
stephen says:
May 6, 2010 at 7:21 am
Having your wife leave you is like dealing with a death.She is gone deal with it.Go out alone and treat yourself out to dinner at your fav resturant.Buy a song that reminds you of her you both liked.Our song at our wedd was airsupply makeing love out of nothing at all lol.Try to go everywhere that reminds you of her.Do everything you can to create a visual image of you to toghter.Go to the store and sample her fav perfume.Do everything you can to relive those mems.You have to face the hurt.And everything is going to remind you of her.Face that hurt suck it up as much as you can.You don’t want her back be a man suck it up.Your better off without her.You stuck around and she left.2 step now it’s time to have a taxi or a friend drive you out to a local wing place open late.First your going to order 20 wings and frys and a pitcher of beer.Drink up and eat up you deserve it your a winner.Now if your like me you will understand.Your scared to be alone something is missing.What is missing it’s another mate.You were not a good enough husband you made mistakes.It’s time to start over with that new someone.Try eharmony or another online dateing site.And i bet you when you meet another woman your wife will show intrest in you again.When she does tell her to go F$%# herself click.Life is to short for rest stops.Get back on the open highway and never look back in the rearview just roam.Godbless.
stephen says:
May 6, 2010 at 7:34 am
Follow my steps and at the end you will see.It will all be for the best.Your just dealing with being alone not missing her.
kiel says:
May 20, 2010 at 7:28 pm
how do you get over the hurt and loss when your husband leaves you after 19 years for someone else. all of a sudden there is a new women in my childrens life there confused and everything is dumped on me to deal with how they they just move on to someone else so quickly and never think about you he is doing all the things for her he never did for me. its been a little over a month and I still cant get it out of my head
bruce says:
May 20, 2010 at 9:33 pm
we were married for 9 years,but been with her for 20.guess i fall under the idiot category lol.she had left me in 95 for another guy,just out of the blue,not a hint, with 2 young children.i suffered for about 5 months(it was extremely painful,very very painful)but we were’nt married yet so women were’nt a problem in my life then.but i still suffered the excrutiating pain along with my son and daughter.i started drinking to ease the pain also.around the 9 month area,she came crawling back.all i had to do was put my car in drive and i was gone,but lol i took her back.she never said sorry but showed me in other ways,i thought that was good enough so we ended up getting married,it was her idea.so we said our vows in 98 and i quit my party life.after 9 years of marriage,i guess she just got bored and started cheating on me,guess i should have known from when we first met that a leopard does’nt change their spots.but that’s what love does to a guy,makes them blind to everything.i noticed a change in her,the friends she hung out with were carefree but i just let her be cause i was the good husband giving her space and she led on tha we were ok,like we never had a problem.all the things married people do together was awesome.i was working trying to make a good living for my family.because of the way we were,i never thought for a second she would do this to me again.people often commented on how happy we looked,and my so-called friends would tell me what a lucky guy i was to have a woman that loved me,and of course i loved her with all my heart and soul.but that last year was rough.i could feel things but just shrugged them off as dum jealous feelings and i did’nt want to be that kind of guy.the feelings were getting stronger till one day i asked her on the phone that we had to talk……then “bang” she just left,all along she had been seeing a guy i thought was my best friend for a year.i never thought i could feel that much pain or cry that many tears and live to talk about it.there were nights my bed was soaked from tears,and nights i wanted to die.she never said a word or tried to explain.i tried to understand but could’nt.we had 3 kids now and i was trying to hold it together for them.she left me at an alltime low in my life too,no income,no where to work.she supposedly took care of the bills but they were all piling up.
anyway yes my friend i feel your pain,i know where your at right now.trust me when i say this,there is a Higher Power or how ever you feel comfortable calling Him.my point is it eventually gets better.
she’s still gone but my life is getting better and my luck changed,i found a good job,and things look good……..hang in there,from what i been reading here,your not alone
just remember everything goes around,God bless
kiel says:
May 25, 2010 at 8:18 pm
my ex who left after 19 year rarely calls our kids to busy with his new party life style. when he does call he yells at me and talks so mean to me and says horrible things to me that are about his first wife not me at all. I try not to think about him but its hard 19 years together everything in town remind me of him. he doesnt think nothing of taking the new one to all the places we use to go and especially the place we met. he is the one who did all the damage and im the one with all the pain how is this fair and if what goes aroudn comes around when will he get his. I just keep telling myself that deep down he knows the truth about everything and he has to live with it.
larry stanley says:
May 26, 2010 at 1:37 am
we had problems and she said that she need time away from me cause i wasn`t doing anything.that time i was taking about 45 pills from the doctors and was always in pain but still cook supper.seizures would hit and i would forget what i was suppose to do,but after my first surgery she cried and moved back home telling me .she would pleasure me.well that went on for aboout a week and then it start again .she would go out but won`t have time for me. now she might be with child but we have been married for 18 years and have no kids.i feel that still kid ain`t mine.the guys name is jose colon and i even have his number.he was a dea agent or that`s what he told her.i do love her alot .
kiel says:
May 26, 2010 at 5:43 pm
I raised his 2 kids from a previous marraige for the ages of 1 and 2 then we had our our kids that 8 years later. 19 years later it was hey found someone else dont want you anymore. im just suppose to get over it while he leads his new party life style and doesnt think of us at all. how long will this take to get over. everything in this town reminds me of him and us. some days hard to deal with everything.
Jason says:
May 30, 2010 at 10:54 am
My wife left me for a coworker at a job i found for her. Funny thing is, i told her a year ago what was going on and what the guy was doing and of course she denied it over and over. Sure enough, ONE WEEK after moving out she admits to sleeping with him, and that one week would be one week and one day after telling me how she loves me more then anything in this world and would never do anything to hurt me.
What a difference a day makes.
Now, i’m without my 2 year old every day. I have her half the week and that hurts more then anything else as i know my wife is making memories with a P.O.S. of a person and my daughter
kiel says:
June 5, 2010 at 7:20 pm
I know how that feel my husband moved on with a phone call after 19 years. what he left me for is a joke she is older very sickly looks like fred flintstone. she has the nerve to come to my house get out of the truck and say she wasnt to meet me I told her to get her ass back in the truck i didnt want to meet her. ive told him not to bring her to my house and then she got my phone number and started calling for my kids. I told them to both that I didnt have kids with her and im not going to discuss my children with her. she started calling my house again and I blocked her phone number from calling my house. how hurtful can someone be
Kiel says:
July 3, 2010 at 2:53 pm
after 3 months my ex called I think he had been drinking he said I was a good person a great mother and he missed so many things about me, he was crying on the phone and told me he wanted to come and talk to me in person. 2 days went buy and he showed up to my house with his girlfriend in the truck. took only my son for 45 minutes and then dropped him back off. didnt realize until now that he didnt just leave me but he was leaving his whole family life behind he wanted the single life party life style and our children get in the way of that for him. how sorry he is going to be in his old age when none of his kids come around because he wasnt there for them growing up
kiel says:
July 30, 2010 at 1:40 am
its been almost 4 months since he left. I have left him completly alone not bothered him one bit. mean while his girlfriend got my phone number started calling my house comming over to my house. yelling at my kids refuse to let my kids to speak to there dad on the phone and erases the meaages my kids leave for there dad on his phone. he calls and leave a nasty message on my phone that i dont give the kids the messages that he calls. he has seen the kids a total of 4 hours for the entire month of july. my kids dont want to call him back because he doesnt do anything to stop his girfriend from treating them bad. and im the bad girl, im home day and night taking care of my kids making sure now matter what I have to sell that my kids have food on the table and clothes to wear and school supplies with no help never a break. some people should never be parents and he was one of them my bad, wish I would have picked a better man to have my children with, I should have known better!