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• Maria says:

  December 21, 2006 at 12:22 am

  I completely understand where you are coming from. My Husband was close to 300 lb during his late teens/ early 20’s. When I met him he was 165lbs and muscular. He told me later on in our dating about his problem with gaining heavy easily. I was pretty clear that while it would be fine if he wanted to relax on his strict eatting habits, I would never be attracted to the 300 lb guy he used to be. We have been together 7 years and he is now about 245. I am honestly not attracted to him at all. I think it is a combination of how he looks and how he is now that he is heavier. He is insecure and dresses like a slob to cover the weight.
  I have tried to get him to eat healthier by having heathy food around the house… He brings home Pizza. I tried to get him to come to the guy… he complains the whole time we are there and makes me cut my workout short.
  I am not supper skinny but I do watch and keep myself from getting out of control.
  I don’t know what to do either. Everyone tells me I am mean for being upset about this.

• mrniceguy says:

  December 24, 2006 at 9:12 pm

  well if your still as in love with her as you were when you marrried your wife, then ask yourself one question. do you want her to lose weight because you want her to be healthy, or do you want her to lose the extra weight because it makes it harder for you to be attracted to her physically?

  if your reasoning for wanting her to lose the weight is simply because you want the best for her; and simply because you want her to be healthy then i suggest you two should start by working out together. you never know you may have to lose a few pounds yourself.

  but if your only reason for wanting her to lose the weight is based soley on the fact that she is not as physically attractive to you anymore then you need to ask yourself if you really love her.

  i mean honestly if you really love her with all your heart, then whether she has the body of a centerfold or not you should still be able to look at her and see the woman you fell in love with. i mean im sure you didnt marry her just because you thought she was goregeous right?
  not by the way you describe your situation.

  i mean don’t get me wrong, if her weight gain is a danger to her health then let her know it concerns you and that you love her enough to say it.

  however if your motive is simply because you dont think she’s beautiful anymore well you need to keep in mind that physical beauty isn’t all that matters, its like that old saying beauty is only skin deep. And remember that what’s on the inside matters more than whats on the outside.

  would you rather have a loving wife that loves you and is good to you; even though she has put on a pound or two since you have been married or would you want a playboy centerfold with with a great body ; yet treated you like dirt and had a need for a serious attitiude adjustment?

  whats more important to you how she looks or who she is as a person. you should want her to be in good health but physical beauty should not be all that matters . and if that is all that mattters to you , then you need to get your priorites straight about what’s most important the person you love or her body?

• r rover says:

  April 11, 2007 at 12:58 pm

  Love is both physical and mental, if she is no longer physically attractive, then you’ve lost part of the equation. It may not be politically correct to say this, but it’s reality. Why else would there be so many divorced fat women? The same goes for men also.

• stephanie montini says:

  April 16, 2007 at 6:07 pm

  You should love her for the person she is on the inside not just the outside. I know because I have weight on me, like 250 pounds of it. But, I also have shape, and I go to the gym four times a week. I have a boyfriend who cares for me and loves me because of my personality, not how i look. As the old saying goes “DO NOT JUDGE A BOOK BY IT’S COVER”. Just because someone isn’t a stick person doesn’t mean that they are a not a good person. Hey, some men like bigger women.

• Rich says:

  April 22, 2007 at 10:53 pm

  I’m a 36 year old married man and here is my opinion on the overweight issue.. ON A SCALE FROM 1 TO 10.. where 10 is HOT and 1 is YUCK, a woman losses 1 point for every 15-20 pounds she is overweight. If she was an 8 (on a scale of 1 to 10) when she was in shape, and then she gained about 35 lbs, she would be a 6 (on a scale of 1 to 10). If she gained 60 lbs, she’d be a 4. etc. etc.

• Anni says:

  April 25, 2007 at 5:26 pm

  Have you ever thought that maybe she’s unhappy, and that’s why she’s eating and letting herself go? I really liked the comment on being a good role model, and eating healthy and staying active WITH her. Maybe she feels lonely or isolated from you. Watch out, sometimes women get unhappy, the guy never sees it until it’s too late, and then she leaves him…
  My husband and I both gained weight after marriage. I begged him to go on an excercise/eating program and it worked. We’re now almost back to our “fighting weight,” (even after my having his kids!!) and I’m a lot happier with him and with myself.
  Good luck!!

• Anni says:

  April 25, 2007 at 5:33 pm

  Hey, also… the Pill really made me gain weight. Sorry if that’s your only option. After my husband’s vasectomy….woohoo… it really helped. Those hormones do that to some women.

• Jen says:

  May 4, 2007 at 1:37 am

  You obviously married her because of her looks, all the rest you talk about (personality, etc. ) is just fluff because deep down you feel guilty to admit you can only see beauty in the grossest sense, ergo what is on the outside. Since it’s only been a few months you may not realize it but the lust WILL wear off and FAST, regardless of whether she still has that “smokin’ hot body”–man, I HATE that Nutrisystem commercial!–or not.

  She is a human with feelings and has every right to be loved whether she is 130 pds or whether she is so heavy the fire department has to come pick her up out of the floor if she falls. Of course, if you are like most men (and some women) I would not expect you to understand.

  Getting married is very stressful. I know I respond to stress by putting on weight. You might check the scales on yourself, too. It always seems funny to me that many of the partners complaining about their partners turn a blind eye to themselves.

  You can do her a favor by admitting that you are not liking the way she looks anymore and it will take more than her heart to keep you interested and committed in the long run. Man up and tell her the truth, because the truth will be easier to face now than later. I’m not knocking you because you can’t help being the way you are, but I would place blame on you for not being man enough to bring this out in the open and let it drag on.

• Anni says:

  May 6, 2007 at 11:03 am

  I agree with some of Jen’s comments; I feel it applies to alot of people (loving someone for superficial reasons, etc.) But if you read the original post, he says he’s in love with her as much as ever, just doesn’t feel attracted to her. This is a very real problem. That’s just being human. Yes, the initial surge of lust does lessen after a few years of marriage, but it doesn’t have to go away completely! Sometimes people stay attracted to each other. Sex can still be good after years of marriage. But honestly, both have to work a little not to “let themselves go.” Not just for the other person but for their own self-image (and health). I found myself not being attracted to my husband (AND not feeling sexy myself, which is a fast way not to want sex) when we were both heavier.
  Yes, the guy should talk to her, although he claims that he has tried. If you can’t talk to each other, that’s not a great sign.
  I have to admit, if my husband had been the one to say, “Hey, WE’RE gaining weight, let’s do something about it,” I would have initially been threatened a little or hurt. But as soon as I mentioned it, he said, “I’m on board. Lets’ do it.” It woudl be hard to lose weight without support from your spouse. Sometimes guys approach it in a bad way, like “Hey, woman, you need to lose weight or I’m out.” THAT is horrible.
  It kind of boils down to the relationship and love that you have for each other….if you can’t get through this now, what about in 20 years when one of you has high blood pressure or a stroke or whatever? Will you be there for her then? Love her if you can’t have sex for awhile? You have to be partners in it together.
  And yes—-stay active! You want to both be healthy down the road.
  (Jen, I hate that NutriSystem commercial, too. Ack.)

• John says:

  May 15, 2007 at 6:28 pm

  Keep exercising eating right and if she doesn’t follow suit and keep’s expanding then get rid of her. She obviusly has no respect for you or your relationship. Mr. nice guy could not be more wrong I love my ex wife alot but she was a lazy slob who would not get a job or contribute in anyway guess what gone. And if she blew up to the size of a small car guess what gone. Life is way to short to be unhappy for even a little while and especially to force yourself to have sex with fatty mcfatpants. If you don’t have kids allready don’t not now she’ll double in size cuase she has an excuse. And especially if you don’t have kids and the wieght doesn’t change bounce like a superball and don’t look back.

• SJ says:

  June 6, 2007 at 9:53 am

  John,
  Thank you for taking the stance that the fat one is the victim. Those that have to live with them are the real victims. It’s the same if I don’t cut my grass and take care of my yard, it’s the neighbors that have to look and live with it.
  To all the women that feel they are victims:

  1) Turn off the TV and go for a walk. Know what, cancel Cable TV entirely. You can buy a new wardrobe at the end of the year with the money you save.
  2) Burn all the diet books (bad carb, good carb… BS). Those authors are driving Ferrari’s while you lose .5 pounds a month. Eat less, and eat vegetables and NOTHING that is deep fried. You think you deserve a treat? The best treat is not dying of heart disease and not having your husband cheat on you.
  3) There is nothing more beautiful on this earth than the female body. Treat it like the work of art it is.

• Spike says:

  July 17, 2007 at 2:23 am

  Love love love, I’m sorry but some of you people are forgetting men are 90% visual! There is absolutely no way a guy that despises overweight women can force himself to desire one.. Its not possible and no amount of love is going to make that happen. This man didn’t fall in love with a large woman and probably never would have. Yes there are guys who like large women but there are also guys that cant stand them

  I say you make this a team effort, you make sure you are both eating healthy and at least going for a walk three times a week. Start slow and stay with it. It really works, once you (she) sees the results from something as simple as a nightly walk its makes it much easier to get motivated about more rigorous workouts which will eventually lead to more vigorous sexual activity. ;o)

• socalguy says:

  October 30, 2007 at 1:16 am

  My wife has gained much weight since we’ve been married, and I am definitely not as attracted to her. Am I looking for the 10 that she was when we got married? No. However, I find that what is more unattractive than the weight is the habits that got her there – lying on the couch watching tv and eating at all hours of the night, bringing home constant snacks, etc.

  We have a whole room of exercise equipment and I am on every day. I’ve invited her to work out with me, but she has not.

  Sex? Forget it, it’s such a turn off. Sorry, but when she gained weight after the children, I told her that I was so attracted to her still, because it was the body that bore our children. Now it is the body born from chips and ice cream.

• Jerome says:

  April 10, 2008 at 7:01 pm

  I can understand where your coming from with your issues. Attraction is a must have, when it comes to being in love. You have to be physically attracted and emotionally attracted if you lose one of the attractions then the other suffers as well. Sorry if that was confusing, basically what i mean is if, you start off by being emotionally attracted to someone then your gonna develop some form of physical attraction and vise versa but if the persons attitude changes for the worst, then your slowly going to become less attracted to them physically no matter how in-shape or out of shape the person maybe and vise versa. I can understand this because I am a newly wed, when I met my wife she was getting in shape and I liked her attitude but now we have been married for a while and she been letting her self go physically and as I lose interest in her physical appearance I notice that I am losing interest in her attitude as well. But then again its never gonna be perfect .. After the kissy kissy phase a marriage become more of a partnership and love per say fades.

• Mo says:

  May 5, 2008 at 3:16 pm

  Yup. Men are hugely visual.
  Women don’t like it? Then become a lesbian.
  No, seriously! This does not make men “wrong”. We are hardwired, in our freaking genes, to be visual. It aides in the course of natural selection and evolution of our species! So yeah, when my wife started becoming fat, I started becoming upset. It is hard to get aroused when she loses her shape, eats too much, never works out, ect. She used to be able to crack walnuts in her butt cheeks. Now? Well, not so much. So yes, I find it both upsetting when my wife becomes fat (she has not had kids, and is in early 20’s. No excuses!), and when other fat women take her side. Stop making excuses! Get off your butt and work out a little! I used to fight martial arts in a world level, and moved on to body building. yeah yeah I don’t look like a greek god or anything, but at least I’ve kept my bod in shape and (I dare say) sexy.
  So please, fatty’s, lose weight.
  Word to my sexy wife for starting up in the gym, and to the other sexy women on this site!

• Lee says:

  September 3, 2008 at 9:59 am

  Got maried to a woman who was barely 120 soaking wet. She’s now bumping 150. She likes to sit around and complain about how fat she is, and moaning about how she doesn’t have time to workout. I’ve gotten fed up with the “positive” rolemodel b.s. She won’t go for it, refuses to run “cause she’ll sweat, and it takes to long to get cleaned up and re-do her makeup ect.” So i’ve started letting her know how she is, telling her how big that ass has gotten, pointing out her cellulite that is forming. Either this will run her in the ground or she’ll get fed up and do something to help herself, ’cause I’m done listening to her feel sorry for herself.

• Broderick says:

  September 15, 2008 at 12:50 am

  We have been married for a little over two years now. To say the least it has been rough. My wife was a little big when we first got married but now it seems to be getting out of control. She says she wants to exercise but if I’m not there she won’t do it. I work strange hours and have to fit my workout in whenever I can. She on the other hand has set work hours and can do it either in the morning or the evening. The kids are old enough so that shouldn’t be used as a excuse. When we go out she mostly wants to go somewhere and eat. Even if we go other places somewhere along the line she will want to get something to eat. I have seen myself start to fall into that pattern since being with her. I saw her with nothing but a long t-shirt on and to be honest I was completly turned off, kinda grossed out a little with the celelite showing. We have enough problems with our marriage and if she keeps gaining weight we will have another. I am by no means a skinny pole but I do try to stay toned. Yesterday she looks at me and says you are losing weight and I’m gaining “STOP IT”! I just had to shake my head. She says in November she will start exercising. To top it off she thinks she has cronic fatigue syn. If she does we will deal with it but also if it’s true I can almost predict what will happen. I’m starting to really not be attracted to her. It’s bad to say but it’s the truth.

• Dan says:

  September 18, 2008 at 11:58 pm

  This sounds so familiar. When I met my wife she looked good – a little on the plump side, but she looked nice and curvy in a bikini. We got engaged but by the time the wedding rolled around, she had probably put on 20 pounds. That should have been a warning. After we were married, she started hanging out with some fat friends, going out to lunch and just getting fatter and fatter. She eats as much as I do when we’re together and I know she’s snacking when she’s on her own. Now she’s over 200 pounds.

• john says:

  September 28, 2008 at 8:37 am

  I feel the same way my wife was sexy and was about 115-120 at 5,5″ we married 4 years ago and now she wont tell me but it look like see is abuot 155,to 165 . I feel bad because I tell her it feels like she stole something form me,I don,t feel atracked to her any more and I love her she is my world.I just don,t Know what to do she can see the way I feel about her looks and it is only making her feel bad about herself.not helping us only making us both unhappy.She is not lazy she just does all the wrong thing and gets mad if I say anything.She is a great person she just does not see the importances in keeping her sexy body for us.

• topher says:

  October 1, 2008 at 1:23 pm

  I must agree with most of the mens view on the issue of weight. And yes men are wired for looks, sorry that is how we are.It is a total lack of respect for yourself(the woman) and more importantly the husband. I believe the woman has an obligation to not only keep herself fit and lookm for for herself but also for her husband. Failure to do this reveals the serious issue at hand which I received for my ex-wife, which is “fuck you I don’t care about you and our future together.” End of story!

• Gerry says:

  July 4, 2009 at 3:52 pm

  This is for Stephanie Montini,thats ok for guys who like fat chicks as you say chubby chasers,but I can tell you as a in shape 45 year old man 90% of men do dont find fat chicks attractive look around and see how many fat ladies are either divorced or single!!,so speak for yourself and get to the gym fat ass.

• Ron says:

  August 18, 2009 at 8:40 am

  Either a woman “gets it” or she doesn’t. I’ve struggled with an obese spouse for years and wish I had left earlier in the marriage and before kids. It’s a respect issue and if the woman (or man) doesn’t respect the fact that marriage is at its heart a sexual relationship and appearance may be an important factor for there partner, then there will be trouble. Please forget about “setting an example” by taking care of yourself, it won’t make a difference. Also forget about making it a health issue, again-it won’t make them change. The best thing for both of you is to part ways and find someone more compatible. Remember, you’re not the cause of the problem, they are so quit beating your head against a wall…

• Renee says:

  October 23, 2009 at 4:50 am

  This is a good website, it helped me realize that I really have to take off the weight.
  I was 5′7″ and 122lbs when I got married. I am now 172lbs and I know it is not fair to my husband.
  I was 128lbs before my first pregnancy. I did yoga & swimming throughout my pregnancy and did not overeat, but was constantly sick. My husband told me he was not attracted to me while I was pregnant.
  That one comment made me really really hate him, felt like he had done this to my beautiful body and
  now the prick said he was not attracted to me? I stayed with him anyway and got down to 138lb a few months after giving birth. He would still call me fat and look at other women. I hated him more, but stayed anyway and had another baby…crazy! The baby was extremely sick and our sex life ended….he had an affair and I hated him more…Now our baby is 4, and I am fat…I do all household chores from mowing the lawn to paying the bills. He only works. So when he gets home, I am too frickin’ tired to workout. I do not overeat. If I do loose weight, I will leave him for sure.

• RealityGirl says:

  February 5, 2010 at 4:33 pm

  My grandmother used to say….”love goes in through the eyes and out through the eyes.” I gained some weight last year and noticed that the hubby started treating me like his roommate and looking at porn. I started working out, eating more healthily, and bought new clothes. I lost the weight and am back to where I was when we met. He can’t keep his hands off me and is flirting again. It may suck ladies…but the reality is that I think my Grandma was onto to something. Men are visual!!!

• Riley June says:

  February 13, 2010 at 8:11 pm

  Here is the truth….from a woman who has been married for 38 years and has seen it all….love truly is blind. There are just as many unhappy and divorced skinny people as fat people. If you love someone, you love them warts and all. In fact, you tend to not see the warts in a person you truly love. If you find yourself feeling not attracted to your wife or husband, the first question is, do you really love them? If you are truthful and can admit your “love” was based on looks, you need to kindly let them go rather than spend a lifetime expecting them to keep trying to achieve the impossible. If you feel you do truly love them but still feel no DESIRE for them, it is time to go to the doctor and get your hormone levels checked – sexual desire is based solely on having normal hormone levels, and those hormones can get out of whack for many reasons. Many men start dropping testosterone levels drastically from their 30’s on. The actual cycle begins with husbands not feeling desire for their wives, the wives feeling rejected and eating instinctually to obtain the missing sexual satisfaction through food chemicals (think chocolate with champagne, known to simulate orgasmic hormonal reactions), then men blaming their wives “fatness” for their own lack of libido, and so the cycle deteriorates from there. The reverse is also true with women who have just had babies and the period of hormonal adjustment for the 1-2 years following: women feel no desire for the men, the men seek the missing satisfaction through various other addictions (food, alcohol, porn) which in turn causes the women to blame the men’s behaviors for their lack of libido, and another deteriorating cycle develops. Once hormones are back to normal levels, a man will feel desire for his “fat” wife, who will then not need food to fill the void, not to mention the great exercise of sex; a woman who has her hormones back to normal will feel desire for her “disgusting” husband, who will then not require the use of addictive substances (especially porn) to be able to perform, although as they age, they may still need the assistance of viagra, just as a wife may need the assistance of extra lubricants, simply as an aging issue. The point is, sex is intimacy of the deepest kind, and normal human behavior between two people who truly love each other will never let any other issues get in the way of being able to express that intimacy -so please people! – get your hormone levels treated before you start throwing hurtful and cruel accusations towards your other halves!

• Rod says:

  February 22, 2010 at 7:18 pm

  Why do some of you keep mixing love with sex in this discussion? He obviously loves his wife. He has just lost sexual attraction towards her. And true love by the way is a choice (agape). Its what you do, not how you feel. Emotions go up and down. Love should not be that way. But sexual desire, especially for men, is greatly increased when visualy stimulated. Why else do some men watch porn? Or have wondering eyes? Its a fact of nature. The first thing that catches a man’s eye are the looks of a women. No man is gonna step to a female who is 50 or more pounds past her normal weight unless he has some fat fetish.

  And what women dont understand is, a man needs to get stimulated to get a hard on!!! How are we suppose to get an erection and be expected to keep it up when the women’s belly jiggles as much as her tits? You cant even go down on her without suffercating. And forget about her riding you. My abs and glutes are taxed if that happens.

  And for all you women who say “You should love me for who i am”, He did….Until you decided to become something else….fat.

• Aaron says:

  March 22, 2010 at 8:43 am

  My wife keeps telling me she can’t gain weight. Because she is so tiny and always been small. She’s from Africa and not used to the typical American diet amd the way it get you fat and unhealthy fast. Well now she notice that she is gaining wieght she works two jobs and eats nothing but fast food and don’t pack her own lunches. I try to encurage my whole family to lose wieght by exercising and warring good. And maybe they will say hey if Aaron can do amd be a truck driver than I can do it to. Everytime I come home from a long two weeks on the road I see my family getting fatter and fatter. And fat is not attractive I don’t give a shit what anyone says. It makes you look older and more sloppy and lazy.

• DD says:

  May 17, 2010 at 1:47 pm

  Welcome to “the reason that marriage doesn’t work”. Men and women should NEVER be married. It is a cultural and sociological myth that has propogated throughout the years. Homo-sapiens (humans) are not genetically monogamous (like mourning doves or mallard ducks). There is a propensity for our species to “look around” and being married only goes against this fact. I know, I know, there are plenty of gooey, happy people, who are in love and married… more power to them. For the other 99% of us (yes, I am horribly unhappily married) the daily burden lives on. Don’t keep making the same mistakes. One life to live. Be happy.

• Kyle says:

  May 29, 2010 at 2:38 am

  That whole “what’s on the inside” statement to justify people who are grossly overweight from eating too much and too much junk food in particular is baloney, and I’ll tell you why: Because in order to get that fat in the first place, they have to be very sedentary and obviously not care about what they put into their bodies. They eat too much and in particular too much junk food.

  What that immediately tells me is that what’s “inside” is as bad as the outside.

  What’s “inside” is a person who doesn’t give a rat’s rear what their partner thinks, or about their health, or about their appearance, or any of that.

  What’s “inside” is a person lacking completely in self-control. People can control what they eat. No man would ever try the statement, “I look at other women. I can’t help it. You should just love me for who I am…” YEAH RIGHT, any man that tries that with his woman needs a boot in the rear so hard it knocks his teeth out. Similarly, women who eat too much and don’t watch WHAT they eat as well, have no excuse I think.

  There’s a huge difference between gaining a few pounds naturally with age or from children, and gaining lots of pounds from sitting on your butt and stuffing your face with junk food. You have two negatives, one is consumption of too much food, the other is that the food itself is junk.

  This person on the inside is lazy and uncaring and a man should not have to love someone like that.

  I also don’t get this, “you need to be a role model for her” argument, that is blaming the man. Personally, any woman who is depressed and who needs me to be a role-model, without which she sulks and is depressed and eats herself into oblivion, is weakminded, has problems, and is not worth any man’s time.

  Seriously, unless you’re one of those men who need a weak woman, why would anyone want someone like that for a partner??

  And this goes both ways, the man needs to keep himself in basic health and shape too.

• Brandyn Rice says:

  June 7, 2010 at 3:59 pm

  I don’t get you people. It is one thing to love someone for who they are and “not judge a book by it’s cover”, but doubling your weight and looking sloppy is a bait and switch.
  He is HUMAN. We have no control over what turns us on and off sexually. Attraction is controlled by our mamalian brain (our lymbic system) and not by our rational mind. In fact, our rational mind is often overruled by our mamalian one, and then an internal struggle ensues. We all have certain things that attract us to others. The way his wife was when he met her is what he is attracted to on a primal level.
  If she deviates too far from that, she should expect that he would no longer find her attractive. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love her, it just means, he may not want to sleep with her. She needs to wise up.
  I am a woman who LOVES to eat, but I watch it and do it in moderation. Daily exercise is a must.
  Take her to couples counseling if you don’t know how to talk to her about it, before you start to resent her.

• FitForLife says:

  July 1, 2010 at 11:54 am

  As someone who has struggled with a wife who is overweight, I can tell you it is a nightmare for any husbands. I married a woman who was 5′6” and 130 lbs. She was a little curvy and I loved it. Since then she has gone up to 160 and then after kids up to almost 200. Last kid was almost a year ago. She is still 185 lbs. I hear all the same bullshit excuses—you dont love me, famous women get thin because they have personal trainers, I have to be a mother, blah blah fucking blah. I give her time to workout, I am in good shape. She has pleny of time because shes a stay at home mom. She has morbidly obese relatives to support her own tendency to become obese. Its sickening.

  I have a message for all of you women who keep making excuses. If you were once thin and became fat—your husbands ar not attracted to you any longer. They may occasionally have sex with you because there is no one else and they dont want to cheat on you…yet.
  They hope you will realize that being fit and attractive to your partner is part of a marriage and you will do something to change your layers of fat and cellulite.
  Im so tired of all these fat women supporting each other saying its ok and yet as soon as they get thin all they can talk about is how massively unhappy they were the whole time they were pretending to be accepting of being fat.
  Its a big joke. Oh and another thing…your face, no matter how pretty doesnt matte if its surrounded by 30 layers of fat. Stop eating and get your ass to the gym and stop torturing your husbands.

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