My Fiance Is Not Affectionate
Ask FreeloveMD | October 22, 2008
12 Comments
My fiance is not affectionate. I have been with my fiance for 5 years and I just don’t know how long I can live like this. I love him but the problem is that he is not affectionate at all, he thinks that by buying me things he can make up for my needs. The last time he passionately kissed me was over a year ago, the only time he touches me is when he wants sex. He says he does not know why he is like that. He says he’s always been like that. When we first met and started dating I did notice that he was not very affectionate but I thought time would change that. I feel lonely even when he is laying next to me in bed, it’s a horrible feeling that I have to deal with every day. I don’t know what to do anymore. I am a woman that gets a lot of attention from men everywhere I go except home. I get a lot of compliments from a lot of men except the one I want to hear it from. Please help!
Angela Delvecchio says:
October 25, 2008 at 9:23 pm
I think his affection or lack of has to do with how he was raised.
I had a boyfriend in college who would see his family only on school breaks and I was always amazed when he didn’t hug his mother. He said that his family didn’t need to hug/kiss/etc to show each other love. That very well may have been true but for me, was a deal breaker because that’s how my family and I show affection for each other. I’m not saying I am one of those women who hands out hugs and kisses left and right (I’m not and quite frankly, in most cases I find them to be fake) but it is essential for me to have that type of affection in order to feel loved.
Sounds like you feel the same way. And its not wrong, its just nice to have things reaffirmed.
If you address this issue with him again, I’d leave out the part about attention from men. That’ll only bring up feelings of animosity. No need to make him jealous since his is the attention you seek anyway.
Stalker says:
November 6, 2008 at 11:02 pm
This is just wierd.I broke off a 16 year relationship with a man because of the same thing.He never gave me any foreplay during sex and would push me away when I tried to hug him.His family was weird too and did not like to hug or show affection.His mom had weird hang ups that carried over to him such as the one about the only time you should show affection is behind closed doors.Dump this guy immediately and get one that really thrills you.My new boyfriend is a thrill and really turns me on.Oh and by the way,don’t hope he will change,because he won’t.I coached,pleaded with,begged,asked,ionstructeed,bought manuals drew diagrams etc to get my ex to do foreplay right to no avail.Yes I said dump him…. or you will waste many many years like I did.
Bubbles says:
November 11, 2008 at 4:41 pm
I know how you feel. I am almost 5yrs with my bayfriend and we are now living together. I feel lonely every day of my life… and un-loved. It breaks you down, bit by bit. I am tired of being the lap-dog and alway having to ask if I want any contact. He should want to do this for himself, right? Are these the actions of someone in love? If he doesn’t want me why does he continue to plan our future together? I used to be such a cheerful person but this really wears me down.
Bubbles says:
November 11, 2008 at 4:44 pm
I know how you feel. I am almost 5yrs with my boyfriend and we are now living together. I feel lonely every day of my life… and un-loved. It breaks you down, bit by bit. I am tired of being the lap-dog and always having to ask if I want any contact. He should want to do this for himself, right? Are these the actions of someone in love? If he doesn’t want me why does he continue to plan our future together? I used to be such a cheerful person but this really wears me down. I’m sorry I have no advice for you but I can offer my understanding. You’re not alone.
joe says:
March 16, 2009 at 12:23 am
I’m one of those guys, Its horrible, and almost ruining our marriage. My Wife is sick a lot and I feel its my fault. I never had affection as a kid and I treet my Wife the same way. I try, I say I love you all the time, and mean it ( a few times a day) and try to hug too. But it feels so fake to me, and to her. We are really sad but I’m trying. Were both sensative but I feel its kinda pathetic that someone needs to be told (or hugged) all the time to know that they are loved. I gave my wife an out, but she says she still loves me. It also causes a lot of other fights between us too. It really sucks and I wish I were different. any advice would be great.
Marie says:
April 30, 2009 at 10:47 am
It is a very confusing situation Joe and hard to understand. No, a person shouldnt need to be hugged continuously to feel loved. But upon waking and greeting, and byes, a hug and kiss mean a lot to naturally affectionate people. If my man didnt hug and kiss, and hold me in his arms at night for just a few minutes, I would be very upset. I do think I am more chemically attracted to him than he is to me, but nevertheless, he does many things for me that make me know he has a high level of caring. I do think that some males are rather negligent and somewhat selfish in taking care of their own sexual needs, rather than their partner, but they are cheating themselves and her. If you love someone, you put their needs uppermost, thus enhancing the feelings she has for him, and creating much more happiness for himself. It feels humiliating for a woman to have to tell a man that they should make an effort to satisfy her, as she feels that if he really loved, he would want to. Women respond to affection . And a woman should show her man how much she really cares by the extra thoughtful things she does for him too. It’s a two way street that takes mutual attraction and real love and committment. This is a deep subject.
Sara says:
June 12, 2009 at 10:28 am
I recently broke up with my boyfriend who also was not affectionate. We have been going out for a year and 2 months and throughout the relationship I’ve been practically begging him to show me some kind of emotion that shows me he cares. He did try to change but he reverted back to his unaffectionate self. He doesn’t even compliment me when he sees that I look like nice. He’s never even told me he loves me. I decided that I couldn’t take it anymore. I would rather be single. I felt like when I was with him my emotions were set on high, but when he didn’t hug me, kiss me passionately, or compliment me, they would hit an all time low. I say you either have him go see a psychiatrist, to work things out because all this stems from his childhood, and him not being loved, or consider finding someone else. I know its harsh but after reading comments online about women who have been married to an unaffectionate man their stories just makes a woman want to cry. I say you take a long look in the mirror and decided if you want to live the rest of your life with an unaffectionate man, a person who can’t give you the love and affection that you so truly desire.
Pat says:
July 15, 2009 at 6:52 pm
I am one of these guys who shares the side of the women on this one. I have been with my fiancee for almost 3.5 years and we even have a son together. I have been doing everything I can think of to get some kind of emotional feedback from her. Anything sexual is up to me to initiate. Sex is more of a control thing for her. Planning things for us to do is tough because she would prefer to sleep then to do most anything with me or anyone. The only time I have gotten any real emotion is when she thought there was a chance of losing me.
I think the real reason anyone tolerates this is because the upside of this relationship is so amazing. I love my fiancee more then anything in the world and she is amazing, funny, smart and beautiful. I just wish I would be allowed to know her thoughts and feelings instead of guessing at everything.
agree with pat says:
October 10, 2009 at 10:34 am
I agree with Pat – and I need to find a woman like some of you gals! I have been married a long time and my wife is very unaffectionate – which I completely do not understand. She shows no interest in me at all except to criticize what I do or fail to do. Over time this has destroyed my self-esteem – after all if im not worth it to her who should I expect to be valuable to and loved by? My advice is you better REALLY love the person to stay involved with them becasue the will NOT change. You will be making the sacrifice so you better think its worth it!
mee says:
November 29, 2009 at 2:02 pm
ny fiance never show me much of anything except anger. she is an alcolholic but has stoped for 6 months now i do everything for her ans she does very little for me sex is even aan issuesits always something tthe problem i have is i do love her but now i just want to smack the hell out of her and get her to think mnormal. she is 47 and has ansieety problem depression but i think is just an excuse now can you help
tina says:
February 5, 2010 at 1:52 am
well i have been with my fiance for about 7 years and am trying my hardest to learn how to deal with his non affectionate ways sometimes i think mayb im just being to needy because he does give me affection but i dont think it is enough am i just being ungrateful.
kim says:
July 18, 2010 at 3:19 am
At least u are getting sex. been married 2 years and my husband has never made love to me. he has ED now, and I tell him a passionate kiss would be nice, but he refuses. the rest of our relashionship is great. I dream about what it would be like but he won’t touch me. I only get an ocassional hug and quick kiss. he says he has been there and done that and dosen’t care if he has sex ever. I can’t help but wonder if he loves me as much as I thought because my needs are not important to him. I know for a fact he is not chating, I desire him so much that I am starting to get depressed and I am afraid the strain will ruin our relashionship. I am very much in love with him and I am pretty sure he feels the same. I don’t understand and I am hurt beyond words