Boyfriend Controlling My Life
Ask FreeloveMD | October 24, 2007
7 Comments
How do you let go of your boyfriend when you feel like he is your entire life? Before I met this man I was an independent woman who owns her own home, supports herself, and considers herself to be a strong person. Since he has been in my life I feel like I have lost control over myself. All I care about is him and whether he is happy. He now lives with me rent free, I cook him dinner every night, I clean his clothes, and I even pay some of his bills. Saying this now for the first time and admitting it sounds ridiculous to me but somehow I can’t see my life without him. All he really brings to the relationship is love, but is that enough?
A relationship should enhance and add happiness to your life. You have added a small amount of happiness, but you have also added plenty of stress and a financial burden. You boyfriend should not seem like your entire life, he should be a complement to your life. You should be happy without your boyfriend, and even happier when he is around. You should feel like the same strong person you were before you started dating. You say, “All I care about is him and whether he is happy”. You should never feel like this. Your relationship has turned into a one sided affair that is not healthy for you. You need to break it off. Remember, a healthy relationship enhances and enriches your life, it should never create burdens or change who you are.
Desi T. says:
November 27, 2007 at 8:06 pm
That’s your number one problem: you should never feel like you can’t live without someone. Noone should ever consume your life to the point where u feel like you would be incomplete without him/her. And your man should’t be trying to take advantage of your love and kindness by allowing you to do everything for him. A relationship is a two way-street and if you feel like you have to prove your love to someone just to keep them, than that’s a love u don’t need. Real love is gentle, kind, understanding, unselfish, etc. If you don’t feel happy, please leave. Good luck
elaine says:
December 4, 2007 at 7:01 pm
Love isn’t enough, particularly if you are living together–working, cooking, cleaning, errand running, and caring for a home are shared responsibilities that make life easier for you both. Perhaps you have taken these roles on alone without asking for his help or insisting on it and it will only create resentment. He is not contributing to the partnership or bringing much to your table other than himself. I have been in a similar pattern so understand there’s a lot your not getting and will never get with this man.
Nena says:
December 17, 2007 at 7:47 pm
I disagree and I think the comments would be different if it were a man taking care of his woman. Does he refuse to get a job? Have you discussed this with him? All relationships are different. I am the bread winner in mine, but I also come home to a clean house and a gourmet meal. It works very well for us. I know I couldn’t live without him and I wouldn’t want to. He makes me a better person. I am happier when I am around him. If you are resenting your situation, are you really just pissed at yourself for not saying or doing anything to change it? Never settle for the one you can live with; wait for the one you can live without!
Lisa says:
December 19, 2007 at 11:59 pm
I’m in a similar situation and been to kindhearted to send my bf packing and out in the cold. He has a rv he can live in but currently there is no electric/water hooked up to it due to ownership of the property changing hands. The prior owners shut the water and electric off and the new rich dude owner refused to turn them back on. Anyways my bf and I were friends who connected romantically early Dec 1 yr ago and he’s practically lived with me ever since. He just got 2 bachelor’s degrees and he’s worked PT all yr but paid no rent/utilities, brought little groceries into the house and has claimed that putting gasoline in his car to run me places is enough for his part. I really don’t agree. I love him but wonder if I love him enough for marriage. He claims he wants to marry me and take care of me but so far it seems like I been taking care of him for the most part. OK back to your story, it seems to me like your bf may be using you. If a woman and man agrees that the woman brings home the bacon and the man does the cooking, cleaning and taking care of the house perhaps that wouldn’t be a bad deal and more of a fair deal. But in your case it seems the only thing your bf gives back in return is love as you said. I don’t think this is enough because if he really loves you he wouldn’t pose such a burden on you. You like myself seem to be very dependent on your bf’s presense and this makes it harder to break-up or at least firmly tell him he has to find his own place which in your case is what you need to do. You could give him 1 months notice. How did he take care of himself before? Did he have a job when he moved in with you? It is hard when you are at a cross-roads of a relationship. It’s time you made a decision even though you may risk losing him. And if you do lose him then he didn’t love you to begin with. I’ve been planning on relocating since before I met my bf and so my bf knows I plan to leave town in a little over a month. He will be staying here but I’m thinking we will still be able to at least visit each other occasionally. I wish you good luck with things.
V says:
January 11, 2008 at 5:57 pm
Hey, I have a situation, i am not sure what to do..I need some help. I have a boyfriend who says he loves me. however, my future nor my 3 year old daughter(not his) is going no where. i am the only one who will actually work in the home. I feel like i am going to snap if i dont get some help. He stays home all day and does not even help around the house with small chores. I do most all cleaning, cooking, and working. He has a drinking problem, but he is not violent with it. I am a divorce and i am only 28 years old. But here is the problem. There is a much old than me gentleman that tells me that he loves me and wants to be with me and my child. My boyfriend lies to me about things and he also leaves during the day to be with a friend (female) he say’s they have been friends for twenty some odd years. What do i do.
amber says:
April 13, 2008 at 11:15 pm
V, I can’t believe you’re even asking what to do– just read what you said.. if your man took a test on being a MAN, he’d get a ZERO!! Leave him or kick him out!! That’s a ridiculous man
Kat says:
February 28, 2009 at 7:03 am
I have been w/ my bf on/off for a year – he runs whenever he wants. he is fun – great – loving – caring – when he is … the real him… (i like to call him that) However – he will change – like nothing I have ever seen before. He calls me names – he is very jealous – he still has not paid me any rent – seems to think it is not something he should do – since he helps around here – once in a while fixing things and picks up some groceries occasionally. He seems to be at no particular address – stays here – there – everywhere – now wants to “come home” … he says he has money (only 2 months of expenses) to give to me – finally – after putting a deadline on the calendar – (again he disappeared that day – saying after he told me he would be “home” tht a friend invited him to dinner and he would not be home that night. I lost it. I told him… if he did it again.. that would be it. Now, he says he has some money for me and wants to talk. Yet, he talks over me – yells – and then turns around everything and blames me… I just feel… well, I know taking him back after all of the times he just… takes off – is rediculous – but I really love being with the man who fusses over me – and makes me laugh – cooks with me – shops with me – and we have fun. I have never met anyone I enjoyed so much. I just don’t know what happens – all of a sudden… he changes. No, I can say, I cannot trust him – he says he has a trust fund – but will not pay half of the expenses. I just found out it is his sister who has control of the trust fund. He always seems to have some excuse why the money is not here yet. I am alone – with my son part custody (most of the time) and am on disability. I am always here and always try to do my utmost to please. I don’t know why I am even writing this – I guess I feel that I just do not have the answer or maybe I do – I just may not have the strength to do what I should do. I do feel anger (a lot of it) about his not contributing financially – I just thought I loved him (still have that little bit of that feeling inside) so much that I could accept and keep on waiting for him to be the “stable and kind, fun, loving” man I miss when he is not here. I feel foolish.