I once found myself in the very same position of those within the forums that I continue to read about daily. Perhaps most of us have been in that one bad relationship in our lifetime; the relationship that you know within your heart is not good for you, yet you continue to stay. I know, because I was once this person. I was the woman who remained in a relationship with a man for four years. I remained with a man who initially lied about ever being married and who continued to lie about cheating on me with a co-worker until I presented him with the hard core evidence. I was belittled, lied to, cheated on and made a fool of, so why did I stay? Why do so many of us stay in relationships similar to this?

I came from a two parent home with loving parents and have always been intelligent and beautiful enough to handle the attention that any man gave me, so why did I chose to remain on this self-destructive path that ripped away at my self-esteem for years? I ponder this question and in general the human condition.

I recently came across a website where literally hundreds of women all over the world have posted pictures of the men they have dated as well as profiles of these men that give detailed explanations of how, when and why these particular men have cheated on them and left them heartbroken. When I first became aware of this website I was at first, excited at the thought, that finally, lying and cheating men across the world would be exposed for who they are. However, after much thought, it only saddened me. Sure, these women are able to blow off a little steam by posting the actions of these shiftless men, but at the end of the day, the fact still remains that they are still broken and hurting from the actions of these men.

Perhaps this is the most frustrating part of breaking up and being hurt. No matter what is said or done, the pain still exists and unlike the deadlines that exist in much of the corporate world, there is no deadline for a broken heart.

So how do we move past this hurt; the hurt of loving someone so much and the disappointment that bears down upon us once we realize that they have betrayed our love for them? What do you do when you realize for the first time that it is truly over between you and your significant other and each breath seems harder than the last? What do you do when every hour of the day you are seconds away from a meltdown; your chest feels heavy, your eyes begin to water, all with just a mere mention of memory of this person? How do we cope?

When I was first dealing with my break up, I found it not only hard to breathe, but hard to find the answers I felt I needed to survive the break up. Since my ex and I were no longer on speaking terms, I found myself looking for answers everywhere; in my friends, on television, in a song, literally anywhere that I felt would bring me the closure I felt I so desperately needed.

And then one day, it came to me, that I would never have the answers to my question, “why?” I didn’t need an answer. The truth is no answer given to me would have been the right one, nor would it have alleviated the pain. I began to realize that I was missing the bigger picture. I didn’t need to find an answer, I needed to move on. I could spend the rest of my life seeking an answer that would never suffice. Or, I could take the steps I needed to take to learn from that experience and move on. And that is what I am doing. I realized I had to first forgive myself and my ex for all of the horrible things that not only happened during our relationship but also all of the horrible and nasty things that post-break-ups can bring out of the respective parties.

I decided to then, take a look at myself, yes, that’s right, my own self. Though I could spend all day listing all of the ways I was hurt, the truth is I was no angel either and by self-proclamation was not the easiest person to get along with, especially after being wronged. I had to realize that I too, had made mistakes and if I wanted my next relationship to be successful and last, then I needed to do a little self-evaluation.

I also had to look at my relationship and figure out what I did not want in the next relationship. My ex boyfriend and I argued constantly and communicated poorly, consequently I will be looking for the complete opposite behavior from both parties in my next relationship.

Most importantly, I had to realize that one closed door, is the opportunity for another door to open. In other words, you must find the good out of all of the bad in the break up. You have to realize that though you lost someone you truly loved, you also learned a lot and as a result are a more mature and experienced person and one day (probably not in the near future) you will actually want to thank your ex-significant other because without their actions you wouldn’t be, shall we say, the “Love warrior” you are today.

None of these profound revelations are promised to make the hurt stop or your reality a dream; I unfortunately, do not possess this power, only time does. However, once realizing these revelations it makes the pain more manageable but most importantly, it gives you peace; peace to finally accept the situation and the peace to become the new improved person this break up has destined you to be.

Contributed by N.D.N.